I'm Not A Performing Monkey

I'm someone who likes to choose his moment, admittedly, that moment is around 10 years too late, but, I do get there in the end. I like to decide the when and where, the who and what and the how and why pretty much in everything I possibly can. I think it reasonable that most people do. It's called freedom. Freedom to do the right thing, freedom to make mistakes, freedom to talk, freedom not too. Freedom to say no.

I do not like artificially made situations. I mean situations that are designed specifically to get a response from you. A response which will somehow magically reveal your failings or strengths. Its almost a natural response in me when put in such positions to either fade into the decor or find any way to escape. Either way, I have a strong sense to do exactly the opposite of that which is expected.

I think it may have something to do with the fact that I have never been a "go getter". In fact anyone who is makes me extremely nervous. My worst nightmare is to be shut in a room full of pumped up over achievers who want nothing more than to win win win. And who will go to any lengths to get what they want, including punching the air and crying woo woo wooaahh. It's not that I begrudge them their woos, I certainly don't. It's that I find it very difficult to get that worked up about anything, except that which reaches deep down into my gut and makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. A state which is mostly reserved for me through music and films. But I just can't muster even a millionth percent of that engery to a situation that is so insignificantly detached from who and what I am, it's like comparing Van Gogh to Rolf Harris.

I certainly take my hat of to those who have that gift, that natural ability, and it seems to be most of the populous. I suppose for me it's a case of how bad do I want it. In most cases not half as bad. I don't know, I just can't turn myself on and off like a performing monkey. If I ain't in the mood, If I don't think something is genuine, If I think I am being scrutinized, cheated or compromised I get a little apprehensive.

So of late I have become increasingly frustrated and disheartend by the methods that are being used to lure good people under false pretences. A false sense of hope, the outcome being that people are used in order to fill a necessary temporary gap. I know this kind of thing has been going on for centuries, but it doesn't excuse the fact that it is pure manipulation on the part of the perpetrators.

I just can't and won't be played with, so I want no part in it.